Fall is on it's Way

Okay, so I was in a new place this summer, and I suppose it did help.  I truly did not appreciate it as much as I should have though, as I had so many bouts of tears!  Waking up alone still gets me, every single morning!  It takes awhile to get positive again, some days are easier than others.  Today is a good day, as I have a lot of good stuff going on in my life now.  I am doing Goddess Readings and Reiki on Friday's in a place in Bradley Beach.  I love doing readings, it's like therapy to them, and spirit is really helping to guide them through you!  I need to get this out more, find more places to do this, have parties, etc.  
I also found a part time nanny job two days a week to help pay the bills, which was pretty important.  I need steady income, until I can create financial abundance through my other work.  
I started another business, "Rays of Healing Reiki" for Dogs!  So, busy I am!  I created business cards, flyers, etc., for my new business, and have to get out and about and advertise.  I will go to the groomers, doggie day cares, etc., and ask if I can put my flyer and business cards out.  I have a really good feeling about this, it's just where I should be now, helping to heal the dogs.  The Reiki is also really helping to calm and heal so many dogs, so it will be exciting to experience this!  It all came about after a Qi Gong class I took, my energy shifted, and spirit guided me to such.  The cool thing is my daughter is also a dog trainer, her and her boyfriend, and they have their own business, specializing in board and training agressive dogs!  So, once they get a facility, I hope to work there with them a few days a week.  This also will keep me in my daughter's life, which I so want to be!  
                                   
And of course, there is always my writing, my writing which I wish I could do full time!  Stay home and get paid for it, for doing what I truly love!  So, I am becoming more aware of doing this for an income, and have found sources online that will pay you to write for them, I just need to follow through.  And my children's books will always be there, sitting on my coffee table, waiting for me to illustrate, draw, and paint!  I pick them up, do work here and there, but also need to make it a priority! So, I am asking the Universe to send me help here, help with getting my books finished, illustrated and published!! 
So many dreams, passions, but I still want love, true love.  I would love to fall in love again, and get married, and have family around always.  Living alone is lonely, living with others is so energizing, and comforting.  I have spent enough time alone, time to pander, pray, meditate, and figure it all out!  Which none of us will ever do anyway, but I sure have tried.  I have done so much inner work, I am done!  Done of the tears, the wrongs I did, the blame, the torture.  It is time to forgive, forgive ourselves for any and all of it, no matter what it was, it's done, gone, gone forever.  The memory always lasts though, so it is good to heal that memory, then let it go.  I held on too long, I remember the summer after seeing Teal Swan, how I cried all summer, wasted my precious time away!  I wrote all about it here too, too much pain and sadness.  Too much idle time on our hands is not so good, we can get caught up in the pain and suffering.  Getting out, being alive, seeing the trees, nature, the ocean, good friends, that is what it's about!  Life, it's what we make it, what we want it to be.  I know that now, and that is why I focus on my dreams, my mansion up North with my daughter in it with me, with my son in his own mansion next to me, on the lake.  I just went to visit my daughter again, and she is staying with my sister in law, who owns a gorgeous home, a gorgeous mansion as I like to call it!  As I left, I decided this is what I want, a beautiful home like this, where my kids can come and go, friends and family too!  My ex husband and I were building a beautiful home, a castle in the woods, and I still dream of that place.  So, I want my dream of owning my beautiful mansion, with children in it, to come true!  Why not?  I have struggled so many years, had money, gave it away to men I should not have, and now want more.  I also want a home on the ocean for my husband and I, for all of our family and friends to come stay and visit anytime, where I can write, draw and paint my heart away!  
And so it is!  

Labor Day Weekend

Oh boy, the last days of summer, Labor Day weekend.  I always get so sad during these summer holidays when I have nowhere to go and don't get invited anywhere!  It totally makes me feel so alone!  Just great, just the same each day, sad lonely feelings I have to deal with each morning I awake.  

It doesn't seem to get any easier, just the same sadness each morning waking up alone.  Then it takes me awhile to adjust, deal with it, and get through the day.  Some days it is hard to get motivated, to do all I want to do.  I have written a few children's books, and am working on illustrating one now, but it seems hard to sit down and create, when I am feeling so low.  That is my dream, to finally get them illustrated and published, so I can share them with the children, and be free.  Free from this life, free from the financial burden I always feel, free from feeling so alone all the time.  I love the children, I always did, they always lighten up my life! 

I am trying to create a new life here, at the beach, and it's not fun at all.  I still yearn for the life and family I had, the life with my three kids, and my ex husband!  Although things got rough, and we parted ways, I still hold his love so deep in my heart, it's hard to shake off.  I had loved him so much, for over twenty five years.  He became so bitter, angry and insulting though, that has left pain in my heart as well.  I am working on "letting go", I work on it all the time it seems, and I still get thoughts that haunt me from the past!  Memories of the many things I did so wrong, and should have done so much better. 

 After my divorce, I was a single Mom for a long time, and I wish I did so many things differently.  These thoughts always seem to come and haunt me, and I cry so much of the time.  The messages I receive about the ascension, all tell me I am releasing the pain, to just let it go.  To try not to get so deep into the feelings, but cry and release.  I blame myself too much for so many mistakes I made, and forgiving myself is something I work on often.  It is really hard for me to forgive myself, I have three children that were affected by my life choices. 

I miss my children, my family, and I feel the need to connect with them all the time.  My family doesn't seem so close anymore, no one wanting to get together for a BBQ in the summer anymore.  Unless they are and I am not invited, which did happen this Memorial Day weekend for me.  Many times I feel so alone, my family gone, my children gone, and then I ask why?  Why is this going on and happening to me?  Why couldn't we have worked it out, got through it all and kept "our" family together?  We were building a beautiful home, a true castle with octagons on both sides, in five acres of woods!  Do I even remember us focusing on this?  No, not one bit!  All I remember is the fighting, the hurt, the pain, the insults.  Why couldn't we focus on the good, the love, the joy we had in our life creating our family, with our three children?  It doesn't help when I ask why, because I never get an answer, it only makes it worse!

So, for today, I will try to let it go, breathe deep, pray, meditate, do some energy work and yoga, and try to purge on with the day, with some type of joy in my heart.

I just wish it would all get easier, and my tears from the past will stop, and I will be able to move forward!

The Hard Days

Well, another day, and what a low day I had today! 
Some days it feels so hard, so hard to get ahead, provide financially for myself, and to stay happy, focused and centered.  I couldn't shake it off all day, frazzled with worry about how funds will appear for me now!  Today!  It put me in such a bad mood, and it's so hard to shift that energy for me, and I don't even want to leave the house.  
But, I finally did, as we were having dinner with my daughter for her birthday, so I was driving up North awhile ago, when she called and cancelled.  She has so much going on now, and was not feeling well, so we changed it to another night.  So, instead of hanging out with my son alone, I decided to turn around, not hit the traffic going up North, and come back home.  Little did I think I would hit traffic anywhere I went, and when I turned around, I did not take the Parkway, and it took me over an hour to get back home!  The same amount of time it would have taken me to go up North to see him!  Why didn't I just go up to see him, my son?  If I thought about it, seeing him would have totally cheered me up, and given me great energy again!  It's almost like when your low, something guides you the wrong way, the way to lower energy and vibrations.  My vibration is already so low, that by seeing him, he would have helped raise that energy within me!  One, because he is my son, and we have that amazing connection that energizes you by just being together, and two, because I love him, love to see him, miss him, and he just moved into his own place, and I have gifts of plants for him I could have given him! And, I don't look forward to coming home alone again! 
 I realize this, I cry, scream inside my car alone, and can't deal with the choices I make, feeling so foolish for turning around and not jumping on the chance to see my son.  Then, do you think your intuition is guiding you a certain way?  Because I had a strong urge to turn around and go home when my daugher cancelled.  I will tell you why, I feel so unsettled about this money thing, it's getting me sick, and very anxious, and I didn't want to be sad and upset with my son.  When I feel this way, it is hard for me to hide from my children, especially my son!  But, now I see it would have comforted me so much to see him, to be alone with him, and hang out in his new place!
I pray I make better decisions in the future!
I have good news though, about doing energy work in a space in Bradley, energy work, Reiki, and Oracle Cards, Goddess and Life Purpose.  I am meeting the owners tomorrow morning to discuss.  I hope it goes well, and they allow me to use their space a few days a week, so I can help others, and become financially abundant along the way!  I am grateful for this, as I put it out there all last week to find a space to allow me to help in the healing of others, and this appeared after speaking to a friend I know who does Sound Healing with the Crystal bowls and gongs!
And so it is!
Love and Light Always!

Learning to Live Alone

Another Sunday, here at the beach! Super hot out, even too hot and humid to hit the beach, so I will go later on after 5:00 to walk on the ocean and say Hello for today.  I finally have made a point to visit the ocean at least once a day, walk on the ocean, to help heal and calm me down.  I seem so nervous, starting to get worried again about finances, and I know I have to stay in the mind frame of abundance, so grounding, and going to the ocean is so healing and calming.  I can feel a difference within myself of the calming affect, as the ocean takes all my worries away, shifting my energy to a higher state.

It seems each day I wake up not so happy, because I am alone, and miss my children, and the family I once had!  When I awake, my mind spirals into the sadness I feel being alone, and I have to mentally shift my focus on something good, something that puts a smile on my face, shifting to gratitude and appreciation, and love.  Every day I have to remind myself thoughout the day when sad thoughts of the past appear, to push them away, and focus on the light.  I always wonder why these sad memories appear, so many times throughout one day!  I try to focus on what I have, the Love I have around me, and go from there, shifting to gratitude.  I also envison myself illustrating my children's book, "Faith in Angels", and see myself traveling around, reading it to all the children who will listen! 

I wish I knew it all, I wish I had all the answers of being and staying happy, content, and calm, and financially abundant, but I still have not!  I ask why is this such a hard task to understand?  Don't we have the right to know what the heck this is all about?  All the struggles, pain and suffering we see in the world, makes no sense to any of us, and hurts us deeply, and all for what?  Who even knows?  To live a life I have lived, has not been an easy one, with much sadness, asking myself, what was the point of it all?  Was it worth what?  As I am still trying to find my purpose here, help others, and create abundance in every way, as I want to never have to stress about finances, I want my home on the beach, along with my white Porsche Cayenne!  Yes, I have always believed to "Dream great dreams, make them come true!"

  

Although I have such faith, and hope, in God, Love, the Universe, it still seems like a struggle too much of the time.  Waking up alone everyday is not fun for me, I have had such a full life with people in it, living together, being a single mom of three, so living alone is a huge change.  Waking up alone, getting all your energy from yourself, with no one to talk to or say Hello to, it's not my cup of tea!  I love my children around me, I love being a full time Mom, I loved being married, kissing a man good night, and good morning!

So, with all this energy going around, the Lion's Gate in August, it's manifestation time, I am have been focusing on manifesting my true love.  My soul mate who is waiting for me as I am him, someone so kind, giving, and loving, respectful, trustful, and funny!! Can't wait to bump into him, live together, and be together as one, along with his family and mine.  It is so beautiful when I see people in love, especially the ones I know who have been divorced, and found true love again!  It gives me faith to know this will happen to me too, I want it now!  (I have been told when you manifest, make sure you say NOW!) I want it now, true love now, financial abundance now, so I never have to be alone again, nor stress in any way about finances! 

And so it is, thank you, Amen! 

Settling In Finally!

So, I am finally settling in after three months, and getting together a routine.  I am feeling much better in the mornings, less upper back pain, due to the Naturopath I started to see a month ago for Lyme.  That's another article for another day!

I start my day now with some energy work, by Donna Eden, and Peng, do some yoga, and even some weights!! The trick is to make sure it gets done every morning!! Like when I use to run to the gym every morning, to get rid of that crazy energy I had! (But didn't know it!)  Now, I haven't been feeling strong enough to do anything physical, but I still was making sure I walked on the beach each time I went.  Now that I am feeling better, I can start my day with some energy work, to help heal my body, and get me through the day with ENERGY!  

I still wake up sad some days, sad I am alone and miss my kids, then my brain goes back to the past, how sad it was, and how I wish I did so much differently with my children.  So, I am working on letting go of that, and more important, forgiving myself for what I have done!  That's the hard part, forgiveness of myself!  But, one I will master, I am mastering, and so it is! Amen

I have some new friends here, a married couple with a beautiful two year old daughter, who I am so grateful to have come into my life now.  She had Lyme very badly, and has been such an amazing mentor and support for me during this time!! And her daughter is beautiful inside and out, and I love spending time with her!  

And I have my niece here and her new husband, and love that they are near and can see them often.  They have been really busy this summer, so I haven't seen them much, but it's still great to know they are here.

Finally spoke with my daughter today! Thank you Universe for this! I had been praying about it, and constantly sending her love and light, love and light, that's all there is!
Having a better day today!  

Why am I Here?

It seems like I am always asking why?

Why am I here?  What is this life all about?  Why so much suffering?  For me, and the many others here on earth.  And, I am tired! Tired of struggling, tired of suffering, tired of being alone and living this life I evidently created! (scary thought, I know!)  

Even though I pay attention to the Ascension happening on earth, I still get in a funk all the time, a funk about my life.

Being so unhappy where I am in my life.  Here, away from my children, who all have their lives now, and don't need me in it.  Being over an hour away from them.  Waiting for an invite and never getting one.  Making plans with them to make sure I get to see them.  

But all for what? Why? Why to live alone and be alone for years?  

Each day is still a challenge, even though I have my own place now, and I am at the beach and have the opportunity to see the Ocean every day!  Because it's about life, living, and who I live with, and who lives with me.  It's about family, and having those loved ones around you all the time.  It's about sharing your life with someone, or lots of someones, and having so many loved ones around, all the time.  Living together, loving together, laughing together.  My daughter is now living with her Aunt, and when I go to visit, I see her laughing and joking with everyone in the house, and it breaks my heart she is not like that with me.  It breaks my heart she cries to her when sad, and not me, her Mom.  It makes me sad she doesn't live with me now, and things did not work out that way for now.  

Another Saturday Alone

I wake up today sad and crying again!  As I sit crying, so many memories pass through my head, sad memories.  I can't seem to shake them, I take a bike ride to the beach, take a beautiful walk, hang out a bit, and come back home, sweating from the bike ride!  I jump in the shower, get out, and start crying again!  

I feel the need to be with my daughters today, either one.  It is Saturday, and I get very sad when I am alone on the weekend, and truly yearn to see my family.  My one daughter is mad at me again, since I tried to remind her to focus positive thoughts towards her brother who is looking for a place to live now.  My new book, Sara I, II, and III, are amazing books about an Owl who teaches these young kids about the Law of the Universe, the Power of Attraction, how we all vibrate and likes attract likes, so be careful what you focus on.  When she brought up something negative about him, I tried to remind her to just be positive for him, that got her mad.  She has always had a hard time with her brother, not really wanting to lift him up, praise him, etc.  That is a huge problem I see, everyone is always focusing on the negative, the worse in someone and dwelling on it!! The drama, they go over the same negative situation again and again, not realizing how it is affecting everyone again and again, in a negative way!  We can not feel happy, with a higher vibration, and be in the flow of source, and feel badly at the same time.  When we feel bad, and focus on that, we are turning off the enormous flow of energy, of life, of the Universe, of Source, that is always turned on for us!  But, when we feel happy thoughts, focus on what makes us feel good, we change everything!  We change what comes to us, we get what we want, what we focus on, the happy or sad, good or bad.  Yes, there is much sadness around now, but we are in an ascension process here on earth, changing the way we live forever!! 

 If my daughter wasn't mad at me, I would have went to visit her today, and would have loved it.  I love being around my family, and they were my family for so many years, and we were always together, raising our children together!  Now, my one daughter is living at her Aunt's home, who has a beautiful home, beautiful pool, jacuzzi, etc..  I love being at their home, there's always so much going on, people coming and going, great energy around!  It's a weekend day, and I am alone, without any of that nice energy, connection, and love that goes around when you visit loved ones.  I have known my sister in law for probably thirty years, lost touch for ten years, but now reunited.  When I am with her it is awesome, just a great feeling to be around people who know you and still care!  She loves my daughter so much, it is so beautiful to see, and I am very grateful for that.  Her husband as well.  

I should have just text my ex sister in law and asked her if I could come visit to see my ex mother in law.  I could go anytime my daughter would want to see me, but she hasn't invited me yet.  I have seen her there because I was visiting her Grandma, not because she invited me.  This all makes me so sad, and I can't do anything to change it.  I have to accept it, and send her love and light, hoping to heal our relationship.  I just wish she would talk to me about what's upsetting her.  So, I pray!

I wish I could go see my other daughter, who lives in Hoboken.  Her and her boyfriend are always so busy, and now his health is being affected due to him working too much!  He has amazing energy, and is a Behavioral Dog Trainer, and works with the must difficult of dogs.  I would love to have been able to go to see her today, and help her with anything she needs help with!  I know she has a lot of responsibilities now, and I would love to just go to see her and give her a hand.  But, that seems difficult to do as well.  

It seems so difficult to make a life for myself, one that I love, without my children in it, because they really are not anymore.  Talking to them, seeing them once in awhile, is no where enough, right now, and your life is waking up, going to bed each day, and who is in it?? I have no one right now, and I am feeling it big time!

My mantra for today is, "Life is easy, life is fun, let's play like kids under the sun!"

Trying to twist it up, always love and light!

xoxoxoxox