Oh boy, the last days of summer, Labor Day weekend. I always get so sad during these summer holidays when I have nowhere to go and don't get invited anywhere! It totally makes me feel so alone! Just great, just the same each day, sad lonely feelings I have to deal with each morning I awake.
It doesn't seem to get any easier, just the same sadness each morning waking up alone. Then it takes me awhile to adjust, deal with it, and get through the day. Some days it is hard to get motivated, to do all I want to do. I have written a few children's books, and am working on illustrating one now, but it seems hard to sit down and create, when I am feeling so low. That is my dream, to finally get them illustrated and published, so I can share them with the children, and be free. Free from this life, free from the financial burden I always feel, free from feeling so alone all the time. I love the children, I always did, they always lighten up my life!
I am trying to create a new life here, at the beach, and it's not fun at all. I still yearn for the life and family I had, the life with my three kids, and my ex husband! Although things got rough, and we parted ways, I still hold his love so deep in my heart, it's hard to shake off. I had loved him so much, for over twenty five years. He became so bitter, angry and insulting though, that has left pain in my heart as well. I am working on "letting go", I work on it all the time it seems, and I still get thoughts that haunt me from the past! Memories of the many things I did so wrong, and should have done so much better.
After my divorce, I was a single Mom for a long time, and I wish I did so many things differently. These thoughts always seem to come and haunt me, and I cry so much of the time. The messages I receive about the ascension, all tell me I am releasing the pain, to just let it go. To try not to get so deep into the feelings, but cry and release. I blame myself too much for so many mistakes I made, and forgiving myself is something I work on often. It is really hard for me to forgive myself, I have three children that were affected by my life choices.
I miss my children, my family, and I feel the need to connect with them all the time. My family doesn't seem so close anymore, no one wanting to get together for a BBQ in the summer anymore. Unless they are and I am not invited, which did happen this Memorial Day weekend for me. Many times I feel so alone, my family gone, my children gone, and then I ask why? Why is this going on and happening to me? Why couldn't we have worked it out, got through it all and kept "our" family together? We were building a beautiful home, a true castle with octagons on both sides, in five acres of woods! Do I even remember us focusing on this? No, not one bit! All I remember is the fighting, the hurt, the pain, the insults. Why couldn't we focus on the good, the love, the joy we had in our life creating our family, with our three children? It doesn't help when I ask why, because I never get an answer, it only makes it worse!
So, for today, I will try to let it go, breathe deep, pray, meditate, do some energy work and yoga, and try to purge on with the day, with some type of joy in my heart.
I just wish it would all get easier, and my tears from the past will stop, and I will be able to move forward!
